forgiveness.

Family.

Sometimes, I wish I had one of those white-picket fence experiences like the Brady Bunch or something but that simply didn't happen.

I used to regret claiming Christ as my Savior because that meant that I had an enormous task ahead of me: Forgiveness. I envy those who have this unrealistic compassionate capability so readily available to just whip out and effortlessly extend grace as it's needed. I, on the other hand- do not. I once asked someone if I had to forgive them (my family that is) and they told me quite plainly that I had to- I needed to- but not in those exact words.

So then, why is it I feel a sense of grief as I begin the process of forgiving them? I feel like I'm letting them win. I'm a very strong-willed person and incredibly determined- but sometimes, that can translate into an extreme case of stubbornness. I wont let them win. I have to find a way to come out on top before I let it go. I just have to. That or else they have to admit they were wrong- but they're just as "strong-willed" (stubborn) as I am; so, that will never happen. Predicament? Oh, yes.

So. What do you do?
You pick up the pieces and assemble it all back together- piece by little piece and for now- keep your space.

I made the mistake of returning to Nebraska for my sisters wedding of which I wasn't invited. My Mom called and asked me to come and it was good timing because my car had just died and vehicles are far less expensive in the Mid-West and it would make for a great road trip with Adam! So, against all advice and better judgement- I decided to go.

The best part about that trip is my new SUV! Oh, and driving across the States with the most wonderful person ever, of course! Plus, I got to see my dog, Charlie! He has the heart and playfulness of a puppy in a grown dog's body! He's a full bread Hungarian Vizela dog. (They're rare. I'll post pictures!)

It had been two years since I had previously seen any of my family members. Aunts, Uncles, long-lost people from the middle of no-where that know every possible detail about my life but somehow, I remain clueless of thier name. It was a good old fashion, Nebraskan reunion to say at the least.

When I arrived at my parents house, I walked downstairs and introduced my boyfriend to my Mom, my sister and her now husband, Glen. My Mom gave me a hug and said hello to Adam. She missed me. My father then walked in the room and looked at me for a minute, stared at Adam for a minute and then went to my sister and gave her a hug. She practically LIVES at their house- eats all their food and even SLEEPS in the master bedroom. And he gave HER a hug??!?! He didn't say a word to me. Not a "hi." No, "hello." Nothing. It had been 2 years since I had last seen this man I call "Dad" (for the sake of not hurting his feelings or hearing another guilt-trip lecture on how he "didn't have to take me...but out of the goodness of his blessed little heart- he did.") What a saint I tell you. Yet- when it came time to say hello to his "beloved daughter" he hadn't seen in 2 years (me), he gave HER a hug.

Frustrating? Yes. The final straw? Absolutely.

I cried myself to sleep every single night in the arms of Adam. I don't think he knew exactly what he was walking into... Finally, the wedding came and as it turns out, I didn't sing as my mom had proposed I should. I had been praying that I didn't have to. I didn’t' want to. My sister didn't want me to. I wanted nothing to do with the wedding. My unwanted presence was enough and that was made crystal clear.

The day after the wedding at 5am, Adam and I packed up and broke in my new SUV with a 2-day road trip across the US. As I was leaving, my father came to me and wrapped his arms around me and said he loved me. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. My mom then came to me and asked me to stay just one more day- but, I declined. Enough was enough and Adam and I were exhausted. This next summer, I am planning to return once more for 3 days and am bring back my dog! YAAAY! I don't think Adam will join me.

Since this week in Nebraska:

I have started to forgive my Mom.

I'm still very wounded from my sister (obviously).

My brother needs help- he's an alcoholic (he experienced the same things I did growing up and he is adopted as well and we have the same biological mother).

My biological mother tries to contact me on a weekly basis. I am not ready to have a steady relationship with her so I ignore the calls and delete her emails without reading them.

I am not ready to forgive my father- I probably won't be for a long time. But, I will someday.

And, in case you're wondering, only by the grace of God am I where I am today. I still insist on maintining space but, someday, I will forgive them all and all will be okay.

PS. And I'll have my dog!

deeper.

"You walk on waves.

You run with power.
You paint the sky for me to see.

You're majesty.. Your majesty is why I sing...

I sing a love song to you."

I've been listening to Paul Meany (think Mutemath) for the last few days and there is a song called, "Love Song" and it is beautiful! It is the sum of me. Everything I love, believe and aspire to do.

God, please come and take me to a new place. Show me your Glory in a whole new way. Take me and make me yours. Make my heart your home. Deeper.

breathe.

So. Lets start from the beginning.
I have this friend and his name is Daniel but I call him Dan for short. He insists I write here. So, knowing his advice has worked in the past, I'm giving it a shot. What do I have to lose, right?

It's been one of those days where all that enters your mind is a fantacy world where there's unquenchable peace and stillness all others seem to grasp and all you can do is observe. "Just breathe," I say. In. . . and out. In. . . and out. "It's gonna be OK. It has to be OK."

*Sigh of relief.

It breaks my heart to see the love and grace of a King. My king. My Father. I don't know that I've consciously experienced unhindered grace in my physical life- but, I know it's there. I thank God for his grace. Jesus.

"Where can I go? Where can I run from you?

You're everywhere.

You know my thoughts.

You see my sin and still you come to me."

I'm speechless.

I can't help but feel overwhelmingly worthless as I feel the weight of my sins- literally... what feels like a 20lb weight on my chest. It ached as a I realized its presence. It still aches. It probably always will as God reveals it more and more- and thats OK. The wieght is unquenchable. I can't grasp it. All I can do is wait and observe the grace of God at work with it. With me.

And through it all- the heart-ache, overwhelming freedom of grace and all the songs He sings to me... God- the God of ALL the universe- my Father- He still loves me. He paints the sky for me to see. He knows that's my favorite part of my day... to see his handy-work and artistic skill. I love the skies. Nothing compares to the joy I feel when I see the sky. I love looking towards the heavens that He created and designed... Sometimes I just stand and absorb it all because he- my Father- painted it all- his grace, my life, the skies-he painted them all with me in mind.



When I listen, He whispers, "Breathe Tara. Breathe."