forgiveness.

Family.

Sometimes, I wish I had one of those white-picket fence experiences like the Brady Bunch or something but that simply didn't happen.

I used to regret claiming Christ as my Savior because that meant that I had an enormous task ahead of me: Forgiveness. I envy those who have this unrealistic compassionate capability so readily available to just whip out and effortlessly extend grace as it's needed. I, on the other hand- do not. I once asked someone if I had to forgive them (my family that is) and they told me quite plainly that I had to- I needed to- but not in those exact words.

So then, why is it I feel a sense of grief as I begin the process of forgiving them? I feel like I'm letting them win. I'm a very strong-willed person and incredibly determined- but sometimes, that can translate into an extreme case of stubbornness. I wont let them win. I have to find a way to come out on top before I let it go. I just have to. That or else they have to admit they were wrong- but they're just as "strong-willed" (stubborn) as I am; so, that will never happen. Predicament? Oh, yes.

So. What do you do?
You pick up the pieces and assemble it all back together- piece by little piece and for now- keep your space.

I made the mistake of returning to Nebraska for my sisters wedding of which I wasn't invited. My Mom called and asked me to come and it was good timing because my car had just died and vehicles are far less expensive in the Mid-West and it would make for a great road trip with Adam! So, against all advice and better judgement- I decided to go.

The best part about that trip is my new SUV! Oh, and driving across the States with the most wonderful person ever, of course! Plus, I got to see my dog, Charlie! He has the heart and playfulness of a puppy in a grown dog's body! He's a full bread Hungarian Vizela dog. (They're rare. I'll post pictures!)

It had been two years since I had previously seen any of my family members. Aunts, Uncles, long-lost people from the middle of no-where that know every possible detail about my life but somehow, I remain clueless of thier name. It was a good old fashion, Nebraskan reunion to say at the least.

When I arrived at my parents house, I walked downstairs and introduced my boyfriend to my Mom, my sister and her now husband, Glen. My Mom gave me a hug and said hello to Adam. She missed me. My father then walked in the room and looked at me for a minute, stared at Adam for a minute and then went to my sister and gave her a hug. She practically LIVES at their house- eats all their food and even SLEEPS in the master bedroom. And he gave HER a hug??!?! He didn't say a word to me. Not a "hi." No, "hello." Nothing. It had been 2 years since I had last seen this man I call "Dad" (for the sake of not hurting his feelings or hearing another guilt-trip lecture on how he "didn't have to take me...but out of the goodness of his blessed little heart- he did.") What a saint I tell you. Yet- when it came time to say hello to his "beloved daughter" he hadn't seen in 2 years (me), he gave HER a hug.

Frustrating? Yes. The final straw? Absolutely.

I cried myself to sleep every single night in the arms of Adam. I don't think he knew exactly what he was walking into... Finally, the wedding came and as it turns out, I didn't sing as my mom had proposed I should. I had been praying that I didn't have to. I didn’t' want to. My sister didn't want me to. I wanted nothing to do with the wedding. My unwanted presence was enough and that was made crystal clear.

The day after the wedding at 5am, Adam and I packed up and broke in my new SUV with a 2-day road trip across the US. As I was leaving, my father came to me and wrapped his arms around me and said he loved me. I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. My mom then came to me and asked me to stay just one more day- but, I declined. Enough was enough and Adam and I were exhausted. This next summer, I am planning to return once more for 3 days and am bring back my dog! YAAAY! I don't think Adam will join me.

Since this week in Nebraska:

I have started to forgive my Mom.

I'm still very wounded from my sister (obviously).

My brother needs help- he's an alcoholic (he experienced the same things I did growing up and he is adopted as well and we have the same biological mother).

My biological mother tries to contact me on a weekly basis. I am not ready to have a steady relationship with her so I ignore the calls and delete her emails without reading them.

I am not ready to forgive my father- I probably won't be for a long time. But, I will someday.

And, in case you're wondering, only by the grace of God am I where I am today. I still insist on maintining space but, someday, I will forgive them all and all will be okay.

PS. And I'll have my dog!